wrigley field is MILF paradise
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
