I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
