Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
