hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
