I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We are all done wearing pants today
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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