So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
