I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
