I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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