Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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