turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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