Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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