When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
