Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
