you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
