I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
