You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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