i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
