Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
