my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
