Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
