never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
