Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
