this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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