Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
