Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
