You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
