Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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