True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
