she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When did angry sex become our thing?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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