All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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