My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
