god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
