chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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