Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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