Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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