I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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