"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
