We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
