omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
