Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
