Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We have started to decorate penises.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
