Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
