I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
