He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
