Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
