He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
