dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
