Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
