Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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