Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
